Oh dear, it seems another week has gone by with scarcely a mention of sex or pornography at all! Well,here: let me give you a few gratuitous links just to keep you going....

Oooooh ... Oh! ... and Ahhhhhh....

Now that that's out of the way, the moment you've all been waiting for: theList of Runners up for the Contest de Swank and a list of all the entries submitted.

Be Warned. Some of them - well, most of them - are not terribly swank.In fact, in some cases, I had to go so far as to exclaim, What the F@#k? That ain't swank!

It seems the info I desperately need (about that fabulous prize) has beendelayed, so stay tuned.

And did I mention my exciting début in Club Wired?Tuesday, 28 November at 4 p.m. PST. Losers,prepare to be dissed! Hepsters, prepare todish out the disses. Don't miss it!

Dear Allison,
Where did theswank go in our culture? Today's people are too concerned with health to looktruly elegant with a cigarette, and when was the last time you saw someonedressed really swankin' anyway?
loonyboi@nycmetro.com

To find swank these days, one must search deeply, reach within, and look throughout one's community. Perhaps cigarettes are no longer consideredelegant in the Stair Mastercrowd, but elegance is a frame of mind. Cigarette or no cigarette, if you'vegot it, you've got it. And maybe I'm just lucky, but I saw someonedressed really swankin' just last week. Look harder, Boi, look harder.

Dear Allison,
Do you ever fakeyour letters like Dear Abby or that guy who writes the personality column inParade magazine? Some of them seem a bit suspicious to me.
Cynical/Realistic

As I said above, maybe I'm just lucky,but I haven't had to fake anything, lately.

Dear Allison,
I would reallylike to change my last and first name on the registration form for HotWired,'cause when I want to answer the questions you left unanswered, my name isshown and I'm afraid someone I know will see my name up there! It may seeminsignificant to you, but I am really worried about this! Is there someone I canemail for this or can you change it? I don't know! ... help!
Stressed andnot at my best

Did you know that there is a wholeteam of people just waiting to get your whiny plea? Have you bothered writing tosupport? It works, ya know. If you're a member, there's one good place for youto bitch, and if you are a nonmember, youcan bitch somewhere else.

Dear Allison,
Why the hell arethose damn middle schoolers and those obnoxious freshmen so fucking irritating?!
Senior

Hmmmm. Maybe because now that you're a bigsenior, your attitude has gotten a little bigger as well? Remember when you were afreshman, and you wondered why all those big seniors were such assholes? Now you've gotyour answer. Get off your high horse and maybe you'll realize who's being sofucking irritating and obnoxious.

Dear Allison,
You said: Oh,there were bits and pieces of swank here and there, happy little bars withbustling waiters, hordes of locals and peppy bands doing their best Allison: Areyou really this brainless? Why travel to other countries if all you seek isreproduction of the clean and sterile environment of the good old USA?
Gerry@ht.com

Did I say I went there on a search forswankness? Did I say I didn't like the local bands andthe beautiful mountains, jungles, and markets? I don'tthink I said any of those things.

Look pal, I went to the third world. Very little about the third world isswank. The big-city pollution is notswank. The abundance of litter on the colonial trailsthroughout the Andes is not swank. They only have electricity every otherday because there's only one dam to provide power to the entire country: notswank. I didn't think it would be terribly swank in the jungle (though they diddrink quite a few G & T's inthose old movies). That doesn't mean I can't miss my own relatively swankyneighborhood, over here in my little corner of the earth. (Which, I might add, isnot exactly "clean and sterile." Where, for that matter, in the good oldUS of A do you live? It's "sterile?" I mean, have you been outside lately? Seen thenews?)

Dear Allison,
why didn't youanswer my question? Am I not good enough for you? I only wanted to be yourfriend. Man ... some people ... anyway, I have another question. Why is love soharsh. Just answer this one for me ... please ... thank you.
alone

Are you good enough for me? I canhardly tell in three lines of text. However, if it makes you feel better, I'lllet you tell people I'm your friend.

You wantto know why love is harsh. Well, no love is the same as anyother love, so the reasons for theharshness vary considerably. I like to think it's because things worth doing areusually difficult. If it were easy, what would you get out of it? You wouldn'tlearn half as much about yourself or other people, you wouldn't get to cry, orhave those wonderful wistful memories of past beautiful moments. Love is harsh; I wouldn'trecommend it, but I couldn't live without it.

Dear Allison,
What really willhappen to us when we die?
Young in flesh but feeling old

Well, that depends a lot on your nextof kin, and whether or not you were smart enough to leave burial instructions in your will. Most peopleeither get burned to a crisp andsprinkled someplace lovely, or theyget put into a shiny box andburied under the ground. (Unless you live in New Orleans, wherethey bury people aboveground.)
I suppose you were asking about the spiritual side of thingsthough, weren't you? Well, as I haven't died yet, and no one I know who has died,and no one has ever made any effort to contact me from places beyond, I'd say I'mnot quite qualified to answer this particular question. (I have seen someexcellent TV specials on the subject, however!) So, uh, try your local religious channel or catch afew episodes of UnsolvedMysteries.

Signed:
Go answer the questions Allison didn't.