January 27, 2006

Beyond Paradise there is only Death; Or How to Kill Me for Only $39.50

Yesterday I walked into the office and started sneezing. Iíd taken a Claritin before work, but I kept sneezing. I sneezed and sneezed. My eyes became gummy and my vision blurred. My nose started leaking relentlessly. My lungs started to get that burny feeling that reminds me of running a mile for the Presidential Fitness test in high school (when I thought everyone's lungs burned after running a lap and had no idea how they managed it Ė this is where we thank dad for the smoking and the asthma). My head began to swim, my mind to wander, I blew my nose on an old napkin, and then blew it again.

I went to lunch and stopped sneezing.

I came back to the office after lunch and started sneezing again. I sneezed and sneezed and sneezed. I stopped being able to pronounce hard consonants. I thought about going home sick.

I also asked the receptionist if she might try, as an experiment, wearing a different perfume to work.

If you want to kill me, I suggest buying large amounts of Estee Lauderís Beyond Paradise and spraying it liberally around me and everyone I know. I think that after a few days the reaction should build until I require hospitalization (you think I'm kidding, but I am not) so youíll have to sneak some in to my room at the hospital to finish the job.

Thank you Estee Lauder, for causing the most intense allergic reaction of my life. I would sooner drench myself in used motor oil than your perfume.

Posted by allison at January 27, 2006 10:55 AM