You know, the other week I just happened to be in the Andes and, I must say, while the people there live a simple and natural life of the mountainous variety, there is adecidedly lacking availability of swankness.

I mean what do you do when a country has only one color of toilet paper, andone color only? And when that color is Pepto Bismol pink! Ai, yai, yai! (Believe me, when you're in athird world country, you don't want anything to remind you of Pepto Bismol.)

Oh, there were bits and pieces of swank here and there, happy little barswith bustling waiters, hordes of locals and peppy bands doing theirbest to get the tourists to move their feet to that cumbiabeat, but mostly there were bugs.

Oh, you may think you've dealt with bugs. You may think you've experienced roaches or ants or spiders. But I tell you,you have probably not encountered bugs such as these. When you've seen a spideras big as your fist crawl under the couch you're sitting on.... When you've seenthe "Ant of Death" crawling on a tree inches away from your head.

Then you've seen bugs.

By the way, I promise to decide who wins the swank page contest soon, so stay tuned!

Dear Allison,
Which of these two images brings up a true SWANKY feeling for you: A man in aruby red smoking jacket, smoking a cigar and combing through his chest hair? Ormy aunt Divine's 2 story KFC smelling Beehive hairdo?
Ricky t'es mon homme. Mh

Oh my, that's a tough one. A ruby-red smokingjacket is indeed swank. Dare I say, dignified and dashing to boot, but the chesthair.... No, no, no, no, no! Hon, how could you ever comb through your chest hair whenyou're wearing a lovely silk scarf around your neck?
But an aunt named Devine, with a two foot fried chicken hairdo? Couldn'twe have them both together? We'll sit them on the patioand feed them some good old fashioned BBQ whilethey sip their Manhattans.Wonderful.

Dear Allison,
Why do all of our teachers give us so much homework? Andanother thing, my English teacher acts like she is on drugs. She feels us in away that discomforts the whole class. What can we do about it? And another thing,why do we even have to go to school? School sucks!!!
School Hat

Gee School Hat, You're right! School!?! who needsit?! Why, any fool can get along fine without even a high school diploma! Sure,you could work at a nice BurgerJoint, or maybe in a factory putting little nuts and bolts into the thingsthat roll car windows down. But, oh,you won't be able to be the manager at the Hot Dog stand, and you won'tmake foreman at the warehouse, but that's okay because, by God, at least youwon't have had to go to that damn high school and take all those classes andlearn all that stuff. If you're really lucky, maybe you can get your teenagegirlfriend preggers and work both thosejobs! I hear that's what a lot of kids these days are doing, and I hearthey're mighty happy!

Dear Allison,
Your advice, while sincere andalmost always properly punctuated, lacks real wit and sparkle. You could use someadvice on how to give advice from the delightful Miss Hane at Berkeley Systems'Cafe Slack: http://www.berksys.com/. You might get some fashion advice from hertoo while you're at it.
Luv ya

You know, they say that when someone copies you,steals your ideas, or imitates your style, it's the highest form of flattery. But really, lovey, would you brag about being second, third, or fourth?
It's obvious that the lovely Miss Hane has a greatpair of gams, and sass enough to get along in the modern world, but really, thinkabout this: where'd you ask your question? Hmmmm?

Dear Allison,
Why is it that we have to get user IDs and passwords to access Hotwired? I know theysay it's to tell the sponsors how many people access Hotwired, but couldn't theyjust show the sponsors the access logs?
bill.cleveland@wmich.edu

Dear Dumbass,
You don't need a Member name and password to access HotWired, just to participatein and be a part of the community. Ever try http://www.hotwired.com as opposed to http://vip.hotwired.com? Notice adifference? (I did too!)

Dear Allison,
My teacher posed a strangequestion and I don't have an answer for it. After thinking about it for a yearI'm no closer to knowing what's right. When I asked him what the answer was, hejust talks nonsense.... Please help me Allison... "What is the sound of one handclapping?"
One handed man

Dear One-Handed Man,

Dear Allison,
How much stock do you putin horoscopes? Would it be worth it for me to call a Psychic Friend?
Ezmerelda

Well, if you have any friends, and if any of 'emare psychic,and don't live so far as to make long distance bills a problem, I can't see anyharm in calling one up now and again for a bit of advice.

Signed:
Go answer thequestions Allison didn't.