Saturday morning and we wake up and putter and shower and head over to the poolside restaurant for brunch. Unbeknownst to me, water aerobics are already in progress lead by the bride’s sister who is barking orders to 15 hungover freaks and working them into a whooping, splashing frenzy of aerobicized excitement. It was the perfect brunchtime entertainment, I got tired just watching. The only other thing I managed to get done that day was taking a nap. Ahhh, vacation.
When nap time was over, more friends had arrived, and others were calling to alert us that they were nearby. I started getting my outfit together. The outfits… The bride asked everyone, well the women and any adventurous guys, to wear hot pink and bright green to the ceremony. Quite a few people took it seriously. The place was a sea of pink dresses. Somehow I managed to find a BRIGHT GREEN and yellow dress, to go with it I made a lovely BRIGHT PINK chiffon wrap, accented with dangly beaded ribbon. I stuck some extra ribbon on my wackjob 70s high heel shoes and with a pink carnation behind my ear was all set to dominate the fashion world of the desert. I was not the brightest guest. One guy had on a HOT PINK suit and fluorescent green tie. Others were throwing pinks and greens on in crazy combinations. It was great!
The ceremony started around 4 and we all took our seats, soon the flautist began her piece… which turned out to be a medley of star trek themes. And the couple did their vows, which included promising to stand with each other against all those who might oppose them. The reception started right after, over on the lawn. I was too nervous to start drinking or even enjoying myself. I had agreed to play guitar and sing at the reception and was convinced I’d get sloppy and my fingers forget what they were supposed to do, so it was just overly dry chicken for me, and a glass of wine, and waiting.
The entertainment started with two MC’s who hosted the reception. There were several acts, and twice as many speeches. All were fantastic. The acts were: Brides father playing original jazz guitar piece, bride’s sister (having changed into green stirrup pants and a pink leotard) following her toast with a jazzercise routine to Laura Brannigan’s Gloria that ended in the centipede (forward AND back) and a handstand. Next I played Blue Moon and Can’t Help Falling in Love and even got the audience to sing along with me quietly (I didn’t screw up! Whew. I also apparently never told 30 of my closest friends that I sang or played guitar… oops! I moved on to the drinks asap and watched the next toasts and performers). Eugene did a bizarre movement interpretation piece that had everyone howling. Another girl did a great version of Some Kind of Wonderful, the groom’s brother played clarinet, and it all ended with a performance by the guy in the hot pink suit doing an original song he wrote for his ukulele.. in Klingon. I don’t think I have ever been so entertained or laughed so hard at any wedding… Maybe not even at any show.
This was all followed of course, by 4 DJs. Interspersed between songs for the next few hours were a few dance numbers, one by the bride and groom as their first dance, and later an 8 person ensemble performance to Footloose. Totally awesome. At midnight we moved the party to the bride and groom’s cabin and turned the music back on. Everyone was in great spirits, everyone was tipsy, and everyone was having a fantastic time.
No wait, the weather outside’s delightful – Indian Summer finally arrives, it’s the only summer we get around here. It is a blue-sky sunny 80 degrees and 60% humidity. I’ve already walked about 4 miles outside today and will probably walk the 2 miles home, and in San Francisco, it really is up hill both directions.
Things you see everyday in San Francisco
- The 2 story Pagoda made from discarded wooden toy cutouts in the park on the new Boulevard
- Streetside crab vendors
- The wharf and it’s resident sea lions
- The view of the bay from Pacific Heights over the Marina onto Alcatraz
- The view of Oakland over the bay from high up on in an office building
- Toddlers having a snowball fight in the street as guys do crazy ski jump freestyle over the heads of the crowd
Oh, wait, that last one you can’t see everyday. Just today. Totally rad, dude.
To be honest, I walked down the waterfront yesterday at lunch, I don't really see ALL those things everyday. Unless I want to.
Friday morning I got up after Zak & Megan left the room. I made shitty room coffee and drank it while I ate the home smoked ribs (one beef, one pork) and the homemade coffee cake that neck gave me for a snack when I saw him at breakfast the day before. Then I stood on the balcony enjoying the hot morning wind and watched Steph & Kenji wander around the hot pools down below.
At checkout time we all trundled our suitcases to the lobby and paired into our cars, stopped off at the Stater Bros. Grocery and then hit the highway. It’s not too far from Desert Hot Springs to 29Palms, so we took the long route through Joshua Tree National Park. It was hot and getting hotter, and the landscape is the perfect spooky desert scene. Me and Steph, and Gary and Kenji got out of our cars every so often to check out big rocks, spiney cacti (once a spine went completely through Gary’s flip-flop into his foot).
At the 29Palms Inn we checked into our spacious accommodations. A large room adjoining a small guesthouse shared with 3 couples, me and another friend who would be arriving the next day. The Inn is spread out over a few acres. Bungalows and cabins, some built as early as the 1920s are scattered around all over. In the middle is the restaurant and pool where we all went and had a salad and chilled for a while before getting ready to head off to Pappy and Harriet’s Pioneertown Palace to have dinner and crash the rehearsal dinner.
Dinner was meaty and delicious, and the country/rock band got people moving early. Line dancing to start (unfortunately finished before I was done eating) and later the frenzied dancing of drunk girls in a wedding party. It reminded me a lot of college, and not just because 10 or 15 kids from school were in the group… but that didn’t hurt.
Finally, the band went quiet and we all piled back into cars and made the trip back to the Inn. Kenji and I had stocked up on beer and liquor for the guesthouse fridge that afternoon, and strangely about 30 people showed up to enjoy it after the rehearsal dinner event. Including the bride and groom. A bridesmaid was finally able to convince Whitney (the bride) that she had to get her beauty sleep, and everyone shuffled out and stumbled back to their own cabins. Conveniently, my bed was only a few feet away, and I fell into it and was out like a light.
My awesome weekend of fun started WAY toooo early on Thursday when I woke up at 4am and got ready for the Supershuttle guys to pick me up. Luckily the INSANE driving woke me up just fine AND got me to the terminal in time for my WAY too early flight to beautiful Ontario, California.
The first thing I did there was head over to the rental car desk and pick up my crappy econo car. Then, when I finally found the onramp, I took the 10 to Upland and met good ole Neck for breakfast at some random-ass little cafe. The food was cheap, tasty, and plentiful. The coffee didn't suck too bad. The waitress was chatty and goofy. The cook came out and said hello. If only this spot wasn't completely removed from everywhere I ever go, I'd visit again. Neck kindly brought me some home-smoked ribs and a piece of homemade coffee cake (that I saved and ate for breakfast on Friday - delicious).
After that I hopped back on the 10 going east and sweated my way to Desert Hot Springs, meeting up with Zak&Megan, Steph&Kenji, and Gary, freshly arrived from NY. We immediately got ourselves ready for our spa treatments, and ran into Michael&Vanessa in the salon waiting area. My massager was obsessed with titties, and talked of them quite a bit. I didn't find it all that relaxing, but I did find it hilarious. Next it was off to the 5 different temperatures of mineral/swimming pools.
Later on we stopped by the Lido Palms Motel to see the soon to be happily married couple. This motel is awesome. You could see it in a movie, go there to die of alcoholism, or lock yourself away in a little room to write a screwed up depressing novel. Or, like us, you could just sip a lot of Tecate, eat weiners, and dangle your toes (or entire body, depending) in the hot tub while listening to some funtime music. You might or might not want to follow that up with some carnitas at one of the local lowbrow mexican eateries.
Thursday was pretty good.
The situation in New Orleans is still totally surreal to me. Unbelievable. There’s nothing to say you haven’t read in the papers.
America sure looks like a jerk. Was someone relying on God to take care of the Country’s problems over an emergency plan? Fundamentalism will move us backwards (just like it does our “enemies”).
I put my old archives of Ask Allison back up. I haven't read through them all but I remember enough to know they are embarrassing. Ah, the old days of the internet.
Enjoy, bitchez. Ask Me, I Knew
I went to a friend's goodbye party the other night. My pal decided he'd come with me and then we’d go to this private bar place to meet up with some of his new friends. Before coming over he called me and suggested we dress fancy. So, I put on a gold ultra-suede shirt, some late 70s vintage shoes with 3 inch wooden spike heels, and 80s style make up. Everyone at the goodbye party was impressed with my fancy costume. I was lookin' pretty good!
When we got to the private club bar, I didn't look costumed anymore. I kept wondering why I felt so comfortable and dawned on me that I was dressed like everyone else. Apparently, all I need to do to be in fashion is to put on a costume. Good to know. I have some old sequin leotards and tutus in the closet I’ll have to get out for my next trip downtown.
I was introduced to a few people in the crowd of about 10 or 12. They seemed tipsy but nice enough. After a couple of beers everyone decided to go over to the fashion party at the Levis flagship store. Our group surged up to the velvet ropes and we all got in without any trouble. The store was filled to the brim with drunken fashionable yuppies. Three floors of them dancing with pants racks and tables of folded v-necks. Cramming up to makeshift bars. It was totally lame, but I totally had fun, and my feet were totally starting to hurt.
At 2:00 we all shuffled out on to Stockton Street and all stood around in a group. I was chatting with my pal when one of the girls of the group pushed out the door and strutted right up to me. Out of the blue - out of NOWHERE, she says, "All the girls decided you’re a bitch... and we don’t like you." ... ...
I couldn't figure out what was going on, so I think I just said something witty like, "Uh... Ok." Meanwhile everyone in the group suddenly noticed some smudges on the toes of their shoes. She went on to explain that I hadn't whooped in celebration when the other girls whooped. She started to point out the other girls and tell me which had said it first (this was followed by a lot mouths silently saying "SORRY!" behind her). Finally, I thanked her for letting me know, and walked a few feet away. I thought maybe I was on camera. Or in 9th grade. She continued explaining to everyone how I was a bitch and why it was important for her to tell me, in fact, she was like, doing me a favor! I continued to stand a few feet away and look confused.
My pal asked if I wanted to leave, insisted he would leave with me, shocked by her behavior. I said no and we meandered with the group back to the private club bar. When we got there no one could get in... except me and my pal somehow. The other kids were out on the street. One of them came to get us and when we went out to join them, they were all hopping into cabs. On their way to her house. I looked at my pal, he looked at me. I shrugged my shoulders and I said, "Fuck it!" and I got into a cab and went to drink her liquor. Take that Bitchachi!
Epilogue:
Once we got to her place her tune had changed. Someone must have had a talk with her. She came up and grabbed my arm, talked about how we just didn't know each other then (way back then... an hour ago) but now we were friends! Now, I was the guest of honor!! She kept announcing it every few minutes. I kept ignoring her and trying to finish her Jack Daniels.
And that, my friends, is the story of how I was rejected by SF high society.